So something that I have suffered with my whole life are eating disorders. I have been told it is something that does go hand in hand with CPTSD.

I wanted to share my journey with it. I have had all types of eating disorders. After I had an abortion at 14 I remember walking to school and being so angry that something clicked in my head and the thought came across my head of I’m not going to eat anymore.. at break time I’m not going to eat the sausage roll I normally get, and a sense of peace came across me.


I had control, looking back my brain in its absolute desperation found a way to cope by putting all of my focus on eating. Well not eating.

from that day onwards I focused on eating as little food as I could. I would be starving in lessons, dizzy feeling sick but the pain in my stomach and numbness blocked eveything out. Every hour that passed and I didn’t eat I felt proud of myself. I was giving myself control.

I became obsessed with it to the point where I passed out multiple times and nearly put my head through a heater.

I would have a tuna sandwich and a nutri grain bar at lunch and that was it. I would go to bed early in the week so I could avoid the hunger.

at weekends I was doing lots of drugs including ectasy so I didn’t eat then.

But that was how I was able to cope. In my home life everything had always been about being thin, if you weren’t thin than you weren’t good enough essentially.

So I was already aware of my weight. But because of the abortion and the fact that nowone said anything to me about it. I had to have an operation because it was far along. I was just left to get over it. Nowone Said a word. The dad was a 30 year old man. So I had nowone.

So from that day on, I’ve always used eating at times where I just felt so overwhelmed. It would normally be when I am triggered.

It would be like something would take over me. Like and eating disorder monster that weirdly I had no control over. It grew into binge and purge. This was later in life. I have always thrown up a meal nearly everyday. When I was travelling we barely ate so that was my excuse.

Most recently I have been battling eating to lock out all the pain. I was using it to just have a break from the turmoil in my mind. If I woke up triggered (which was most days). By the end of the day I just wanted a break.

So the process of picking a takeaway ordering it, weighting for it, eating it and throwing it up gave me a few hours break of complete terror and racing thoughts I did it for about 6 years straight. My teeth were literally falling out and I was in a massive amount of debt purely because of ordering takeaways or massive deliveries of chocolate cakes and crisps nearly everyday. It was a horrible existence.

As I am choosing to confront my emotions well not choosing . If I want to survive this. The hurt has to come out. So something wonderful has happened.

Since when I feel triggered or scared, I journal. I lay in bed and ask myself. What am I feeling right now? I say to myself. I feel scared, I feel shame I feel angry. I say to myself it’s okay to feel this. I am ready now, then I journal and cry until I feel better and I get it all out. Don’t get me wrong it is so scary. Facing the feelings that I couldn’t feel back then because I was in survival mode.

But now I haven’t binged and thrown up in a month now. Which is huge. So now if I can catch it before I spiral I try and feel the feelings instead of trying to block them out.

When people used to ask me about my eating disorder and they would say “but you don’t need to lose weight”. It has never been about weight. It has always been a crutch something that I can control. Something that completely takes my mind away from everything my mind is sending me. It gave me peace.

But it was avoidance. Something I am managing every day. I am now ready to feel my feelings not hide From them.

Does this storey ring a bell witn you? Do you use eating to block out the feelings? I’d love to hear xxxx