So here it is, my birthday…. along with all other ‘normal’ yearly celebrations I dread them to the point where I just wish I could get glamourised (like in Tru Blood) one of my series that I am obsessively re-watching for 10 hours a day at the moment.

Glamorized or zapped with the memory deleter in Men in Black where I get to forget the day, forget my birthday, forget my past.  

When you have CPTSD ‘celebrations’ isn’t something you can celebrate. Especially when you aren’t yet stable.  

Last night I spent the whole evening manically researching coffee shops in town that I could go to, to sit in, have a coffee and a bit of cake. Something I’m sure ‘normal people’ take for granted every day. But for me it involves an immense amount of strength and planning.  

Also, my brain us trying to find pictures of the cafe online, so i can see what the people look like in the pictures, where I can sit, what is the lighting like, what is there that I can look at. Is it going to busy. Will people stare at me.  

I found 3 but that was overwhelming then I couldn’t pick one. I was excited to walk into town and feel the unfamiliar air on my face. I don’t go out anymore, only to Aldi to get a weekly shop. So, this would be for pleasure. Which would be different.  

I have moved away from my 2nd home where all my friends were. Again, isolating myself. Because being a friend is far harder than people imagine. I felt like I was better of out of their lives. As I was constantly letting them down. Not turning up. Cancelling at the last minute. Which they didn’t understand.  

So now I have no friends to go for coffee with me on my birthday. Not that I would want to sit there and try and block out everything from around me to try and act like a ‘normal human’.  

So I have given myself the gift of isolation. Sometimes allowing yourself to sit, write a post like this, watch your favourite series for the 3rd time (true blood) and have the food that you want and just be thankful for the calm, for your nervous system being calm and for being able to think clearly. 

Sometimes the gift and best thing you can do for yourself is not pressure yourself to do what ‘normal people do’ but to realise you are not normal, and other things feel better for you.  

So today I will write this post, I will do some of my law course and make a project in Data course. I will order some nice food, and watch series. I will not feel guilty or bad for being on my own, I will feel grateful for the peace that I have given myself on my 38th birthday as I heal.