As I continue to heal, as I lay in bed on a Sunday under the covers telling myself over and over it’s okay, it’s okay to feel your hurt. It’s okay to exist. It’s okay for you to just be in this moment right now.
a familiar feeling of loneliness comes across the need for connection or for someone to care

one of the main things I am realising as I heal as I sort out my work my financial side of my life, I have realised that I don’t know how to exist in a world where I am not used for sex. Where my currency isn’t sex. Where men used me for sex and left me. That is all I have ever known since I was 11. Before that my mum was used the same way and I saw it happen. So whilst my young brain was trying to work out the world. I was being used as a sex object. I did say no to start with. But that quickly became pointless. So I gave in. I had to. I just let it happen to me. And I grew up with that as my main thought process, I am for sex. That is who I am. I used to hate it when people called me pretty or attractive it stabbed at me, like it was my fault because as mum said ‘we are sexy’ men will always pay us attention because we are sexy. Which looking back is seriously shocking to say to an 11 year old when older men were coming around the house I was telling her that I was being beaten up by girls who thought I was a slag. When Infact I was a child of 11.
Now as I have built a huge wall around myself. So much so that the thought of having any type of relationship fills me with dread. I realise it is because not only do I not no how to live a life not in survival mode, but I also don’t know how to do relationships where sex isn’t involved. Nothing makes sense to me if I’m not having to have sex with the other person. Or at the very least, be used for something whether that’s emotional support. Someone who is the scape goat. Someone who supports the person that everyone hates. To be the person to lean on and suck all the life out of. Now I know that happened. Now I am aware as an adult I have no idea what to do to interact in the normal way with someone who maybe doesn’t want that from me. As I come into my 39th year this is a real realisation of how growing up in that environment has shaped me. I now know this is an area That I need to focus on and try and heal. Teach myself what a healthy relationship is. As I have never experienced one. Start a clean slate with a clear mind. For that 11 year old girl, and teach her and protect her and help her to find love for the first time. Be there for her and help her.
if you are someone that grew up giving everything without even realising. That was not your fault it was a survival instinct That probably kept you safe. Time to re build. Time to show her that there is good people out there.