So this moment in my childhood is one of the ones that have changed not only my life. But what I do, how I do it. Who I do it with. How I look at myself. How I basically view the world. And why I cannot have kids now.

You might think that surely someone would have questioned a 14 year old child why she was 28 weeks pregnant? Maybe who did this to her? Maybe ask her what she wants to do? Or even how she felt about it before and after. But actually none of this happened.

It was Friday at school. Me and my friend were talking about how Adam her boyfriend was picking us from school at lunch so we can go back to her grand house and get ready he was 30 to go out. I had my mobile out as usual and was texting about 5 different men.
I was excited because going out and dancing all night on ecstasy was now my release my focus. I had just got over the last weekend where I took about 8 ectasy pills I didn’t really count anymore. All I knew is that I got free drugs and it was fun dancing around with my friend.
the weekend before we had been around our other friends boyfriends house in Dartmouth that was going out with (let’s call him Chris) house. We had been going around there after and during school for a bout a year now.

my friend who was living with me now because her mum was beating her and her 4 siblings up. Came to live with us. Which I originally wasn’t sure about as my house was messy and dirty, my mum couldn’t cope. I was the mum really. But I could t stand the thought of her being beaten up again. Actually how this happened is a storey in its self. Whenever I had been round my friends house who was a year older than me. She had come to my school in Dartmouth because she had been expelled from the school in Brixham. As soon as she came to Dartmouth we were inseparable. She was sooo funny and she even protected me from the girls that were bullying me and beating me up for seeping with their boyfriends. Which I massively appreciated as nowone had ever stood up for me and helped me up to that point.

One evening I was in the kitchen talking to my mum and we heard a knock at the door. I opened the door and stood on the doorstep in the dark on a school night was my friends my friends mum and her nan (let’s call my friends Sasha) I said Sasha what’s happening. My mum came to the door and stood behind me. Sasha’s mum said I don’t want Sasha anymore she is a little shit. I don’t want her anymore. Can she come and live with you. Her nan was there as well which surprised me because her nan seemed reasonably friendly and nice when I was around her house. It was so shocking that a mother could march her child around her friends house and say will you take my daughter because I don’t want her anymore and look you straight in the eye. I felt sick. I saw Sasha crying her eyes out saying mum please don’t do this. Please. It felt like a confusing out of world moment like I was in a film or something. I looked at my mum. My mum being someone who was not equipped to manage one teenage girl let alone 2. She had tears in her eyes which was one of the first times I realised that maybe mum did in part care. At that point I was completely off the rails. But so was she. She was going clubbing every weekend and sleeping with lots of men. Our house was chaotic traumatic in appropriate and filled with sorrow. I had found out later that Sasha’s mum had gone around to 4 of our other friends houses before coming to mine to ask them if she can live with them. With which they all said No. (The appropriate adult response) still I was thinking if this was happening to me and someone did this I would call social services I would call the police I would shout from the f-Ing roof tops Tha this was happening! But shockingly nowone mentioned it said. It was never discussed. I said to mum we have to let her stay here we have to! With tears running down my face. I couldn’t stand to see Sasha being so humiliated and treated so badly. Mum said okay fine. My mum could barely look after herself so she would have not none what to do for the right thing in this situation. But even today she has pride that she actually took her in. Like she was a great mum for doing so. Whe actually what happened. Not only did she allow me to be sexually abused by adult men, but now she allowed Sasha to go through the same things. So Sasha fell through the door onto the floor. I grabbed her and we ran up strairs. To give you an age check I was 13 she was 14.

Any normal household would not have allowed this to happen. Me and Sasha were already being groomed by a lot of much older men. She had been in relationships with men who were well into their 30s in Dartmouth. By the time Sasha had come to Dartmouth we as a group but mainly me had been groomed and were hanging around were being drugged passed around by and raped by 20-30 older men. So mix that in with her living with me and her being completely off the rails too it was a recipe for disaster. However my mother was not equipped to recognise this or even begin to give a shit about sorting it out. It was a house of 3 friends all talking about men sex, drinking and doing drugs. It was painfully unhealthy. I did my best to keep the peace. But by this point myself and Sasha were being pushed out of Dartmouth by woman of the men sometimes wife’s of these of 35 years old men who were abusing us. It was our fault. We were mainly me were being called slags. Little did they know not one of those times your dirty disgusting husband raped me did I want it!

So one day we got invited to go clubbing with Sashas older sister Leah. (Let’s call her).

Sasha had 2 sisters and 2 brothers most from different dads. Her mother was a peice of work. Looking back as an adult around her age. The way she would dive across at her children for no reason at all and start punching them as hard as she could for no reason is repulsive. At the time I was numb and I knew it was bad but couldn’t understand it or i didn’t know how to stop it. I will never forget when we were all sat in the lounge at Sasha’s house and her mum dived across the sofa and starting hitting Leah so hard in the face and all over her. It was such a mad thing to see.

When I stayed over at Sasha’s house I remember her mum calling her downstairs when were just going to bed. And I would hear screaming and punching sounds as her mum would punch and kick her. I still don’t understand why she did this to her daughters. They were good girls. They all had absent fathers but this wasn’t an excuse for such a vile evil way to treat your own children. When I saw her mum at Sasha’s little boys party years later. I could t believe why she was there. I was still too young to really understand what happened.

I was 30 I had disassociated from my childhood. So it was almost like I knew she was a bad person I felt horribly anxious around her but I didn’t know why. Because I had blocked all of that out.
Recently when I reached out to Sasha at one of my moments of suicidal thoughts. I just wanted to make sure that what happened to me actually happened and I wasn’t making it up. As nowone has never even acknowledged what happened. Not one part of it if you can believe it.
But I have been blamed for it. Which doesn’t make sense. To my surprise yes she not only confirmed it, but she said she had forgiven her mum. She had said sorry for everything. Then she said my mum was worse due to the psychological abuse. That hit me hard. As she was there and would know.

Any way… we had been going out with Sasha’s older sister for 2 weekends to Torquay . Which of course is madness we were 13 and 14. I had already gone to dance academy and a few illegal raves with Sasha’s much older boyfriend who was 35. We went on a school night to dance academy. I didn’t want to go. Sasha and lets call him Graham we’re stood in my lounge with my mum begging me to go. My mum was even saying just go Tara. Like she wanted Graham to like her like a teenager. In the end I gave in and went. I knew in my gut that it was wrong but at that point I didn’t have any choice in my actions or what I did. So I went.
I was wearing trainers and pink strap top. I can’t believe looking back that I got in. When I see 13 year olds now they look so young. To me 13 was an adult age. The same age as these men. But I cannot believe how I not only got in past the bouncers with these 35 year olds. But also that we were able to do loads of pills and dance around until 6 in the morning.

Another thing happened that when I write it sounds made up. But once we got into Dance Academy that night me and Sasha were walking around and we stopped and I looked across the dance floor and there dancing and raving blatantly on drugs was mr wood’s. my tutor and wood work teacher. Looking back how ridiculous was this! And in a funny dark way. Me and Sasha shouted mr woods which looking back I bet he loved lol he looked at us shocked and came over and said hello. To set the scene Dance Academy was a heavy hard dance music club. Like huge decks lasers and constant hard dance music. Everyone on drugs and it was in a huge church thing. It wasn’t like a nice quiet club it was mental so his thought must have been shit.
me and Sasha 13/14 years were just giggerling and laughing. Even more shockingly the next day at school. Mr woods pulled me aside and part of me thought he might asked why I was there. Who the men were or if I was okay. Instead he said Tara can you not tell anyone that you saw me at Dance academy last night? I laughed and said yeah of course not. At that point I had given up with adults and if they were going to do the right thing. Well I didn’t really know what the right thing was . But looking back. How dare you! He massively failed me back then along with all the other adults.
so we were at Sasha’s nans getting ready drinking vodka and coke. I was straightening my long dark hair. Which was beautiful looking back then. At the time I hated it. I hated everything about myself. I didn’t have any sense of self. Other people enjoyed clothes makeup etc I just existed. I had the same makeup I would put on. A black flick and mascara. I have always had really long natural eyelashes which now I appreciate. But back then, I used to think this is the reason why men won’t leave me alone and why all the woman hate me and why im a slag and this is just who is am. I am sexy. As my mum would say. She would say we are sexy and men like us because we look sexy. So that’s what I saw when I looked in the mirror someone for men to have sex with. As long as I could dance and have ecstasy and forget everything I didn’t care.
we got picked up in a random car with loads of boys all racing along each other on the way to Torquay. Let’s call him Burt. I want to give him a stupid name as that’s what is he is, stupid. (Sorry to any Burt’s out there). But in reality he was a very popular very cool older guy that everyone was scared of. That was a drug dealer.

Leah Sasha’s sister when she told me that he liked me said I should go with him as he is popular. She only being 16 herself wasn’t her fault looking back. As she herself was being abused. It was not her place to protect me.

I remember when we went to mr wolfs there was group of 30 people from Brixham all sat around basically taking up the whole upstairs. I sat there drinking my vodka and coke at 13 somehow have got in past the bouncers. Just dancing to the music. It was the 90s and the best part of the 90/s when all of the amazing r n b classics came out.

Although looking back. Me and Sasha did dance like were in TLC or we wereBeyoncé which probably didn’t help the situation but it was my favourite time.

Me and Sasha on the dance floor dancing forgetting everything I lived for that. It was even better after the 8th ecstasy pill.

Anyway I sat there drinking my drink I could feel someone looking at me. It was as Burt he was staring at me. Everywhere I went he starred at me.

I was familiar with this stare. Later I realised it was the look of a predator. At the time it made me fell seen, like I mattered existed even. It was the only time I felt like anyone cared and these predators knew that. As my reaction was one of complete compliance as to get more of that look.

later in the club. I had been fed my 8 pills which I became dependant on. That was all I looked forward to was taking those 8 pils. I could completely forget and feel wonderful. No matter what happened to me it felt good. That included being raped and taking advantage of. They could do whatever they wanted with me and I at-least was high enough to not feel it. I had no control over my reality apart from that.

Burt grabbed my hand and walked me out through the dance floor and out side he walked men past the dance floor out past the bouncers and then up the road past many adults onto the Green where people walked their dogs.

He just laid me down pulled down my trousers and stick his very big penis into me. I was so high. I didn’t know what was happening. I vaguely remember him saying your face is so hot during which made me feel special. But apart from that. I knew my place by now. Just let it happen and it will end soon. This was well over the 100th time that this had happened to me. At this point.

He finished as I stood up I saw a man walking his dog as he looked over and looked away.

I pulled my trousers up and we walked back into the light a big cheer came from his friends like I dunno congratulations for having sex with a child? Maybe congrats for having sex in the dog park? looking back I have no idea. Essentially I felt embarrassed.

From that night on for weeks after Burt would pick me up at different times and days to have sex in random places. I thought it was a relationship. As I had the same situation with all the men that did this with me. They made me think it was in a loving relationship. Which kept me hooked. Which looking back of course it wasn’t.

It was pure grooming and sexual abuse and rape.

I didn’t really keep up with when I was on my period but one day I told Sasha that I felt pregnant. I had a small bumb. And I just knew.

We had stolen a few pregnancy tests over the years because both of us were being raped (I say that now) instead of having sex. By older men.

So we stole another one. But this time we got caught and mum had to go to the police station with Sasha. Apparently Sasha said mum was flirting with policeman. No surprise there.i remember being really angry about that. That specific thing. I didn’t know why back then. But now understand that I was sick of her not doing anything! Never doing anything! Never helping! Never protecting me! But on top of that she has the cheek to flirt with policeman! Who the hell does she and that policeman think they are?? 13 and 14 year olds are stealing pregnancy tests. Not one person said a word about it ever.

Anyway I did a pregnancy test in mums bedroom. It came back positive my immediate response was a feeling of excitement. Looking back as I know I am a kind loving caring person I would have felt like I wanted to nurture this baby. Having an abortion wasn’t in my thought process. This all happened in the bathroom before I walked out to all my friends and my mum in her bedroom. I walked and said I’m pregnant with a smile on my face.

Mum looked at me and said you can’t keep it….

Just like that. I looked at her and knew I wouldn’t have a leg to stand on with her and said yeah of course not. I was fawning hard at this point with everyone around me trying to please everyone and every situation to try and make it all stop.

So I was already numb.

But it was almost like my brain went into a different level of numb. Fastforward to having to go to the hospital after going to the doctors the day after. The hospital doing an ultrasound them not moving the monitor away from me so I could see the baby after they had simply not even asked me if I want a abortion but they assumed that I was having one.

In 3 days I was in having an operation put to sleep because I was 29 weeks along. The absolute final week you can have one. (I now no) nowone told me any of this.

I was looked at as someone who did this to herself. Nowone asked how it happened , who did it? Not one nurse, not one doctor, not one adult, not one.

The next day was the abortion. Dad was there, I got out of the car in the hospital car park. Through up immediately. I don’t remember walking in or being put to sleep or any other part of that day apart from waking up and saying over and over again whilst still sedated thank you! Thank you! To the nurses and them looking at me strangely.

Looking back that poor girl. She was going through something so terrible and not one adult helped her.

The people closest to her were there but said and did nothing. Showed no love and care. Showed nothing. Just complete silence. Almost like torture. I don’t remember the car home I don’t remember anything. I do remember having contractions in the evening being really scared as they felt like I was giving birth.

and mum just like she always said what do you want me to do? But I do remember Sasha coming up to my bed whilst I cried my eyes out screaming and crying whilst each contraction came and went she sat on my best and cuddled me and said it will be okay don’t worry. She was the only one who ever showed me love. Mum and dad were downstairs completely ignoring me as usual.

looking back what monsters they were. All of them. The men, the nurses the doctors the surgeons the many adults and bouncers and most of all my parents.

But Sasha will never know how thankful I am to her for that tiny bit of love. That tiny bit of support that got me through that night.

From that day I woke up and hated myself so viciously for what I had done to my little baby. I had done it. I remember punching myself and slapping myself in the face every morning whilst looking in the mirror.

The way I coped with it. Or looking back the way my mind coped which looking back I thank it for was by not eating.

The pain was too much to hide. I had been through too much. My nervous system was full by just turning off eating I could feel the pain in a controlled way through hunger pains. It focused my whole thought process on eating well not eating.

The more I didn’t eat the better I felt. It was partly self harm and partly a coping mechanism. I ended up at 7st and was passing out putting my head though walls and generally going further off the rails. I was still going clubbing every weekend doing loads of drugs. Men still takign advantage of me. It was getting easier and easier for them to do it. Because by this point I truly did not care. Also I thought I deserved it…

From then.. my life revolved around that. I thought I will do everything that I couldn’t not have done if I had a baby. I will never have a child because I want to honour that child. If I didn’t have that child then I am not allowed to have others. This anger towards this area of my life. I felt like it was my fault. I killed my baby. Looking back as i try to understand what happened. I still feel this way. I still have the thought process of I will never have a child out of principal for that child. I day dream about what that child would be like how old they would be…. I have punished my self for 25 years through balemia. Through starvation through being hungover through believing I do not deserve happiness love or respect.
looking back as an adult I want to apologise to my younger self. It was of course not your fault. You had no choice. I’m sorry. .