One of the most devastating side effects of CPTSD is the depression side, the intrusive thoughts and the OCD thought loops. That just say over to you that you are a bad person I am a bad person…

The constant feeling of guilt.
One conversation. One small look or a simple wrong word can send you spiralling. Nowone understands how hard it is to pull yourself out of one of these spirals.

It feels like a panic that you can’t escape from. Because it’s in your head. Every word, every look, every single thing you may or may not have done. Running around in your head.

Then someone walks in and has a normal conversation about something with you, and you feel so surprised that they can’t see the termoil in your head, they can’t see the tears building in your eyes.

In that moment you wish so much that they could read your mind, that you could open the flood gates so they could give you some kind of empathy or care.

but no, we smile.

Even when we feel like we can’t, like the pressure in our heads are actually going to explode.

When will we get permission to finally say out loud… I need help!

The horrible thing about abuse put on us by someone else is that it leaves us bizarrely thinking it’s our fault…

What a cruel world that we live in. That that is the case.

Our only escape is as they turn away and we can get back to feeling terrified and not having to pretend like we are okay.
That is better than having to pretend.

Believe it or not, this post comes after a good few days. But one sentence changed everything.

Please be gentle with us.
please understand that when you ask us what do you need? We don’t know ourselves what we need to stop this. How to fix us. We just need kindness.
please be aware that one sentence can break us. Ruin our whole day, and put us back.

Something that maybe fleating sentence or look to you is like a knife to the heart for us.

The weird thing is, you will never know the affect that you have on us, because we will never tell you.

We are too wounded for that. Too scared, too alone.

And yet tomorrow is another day.

be kind xxx