Welcome to my Blog! I am a 37-year-old woman who has a unique look on living with CPTSD. I am by no means healed, or even in a state of stability. However, I wanted to share my experience of healing from CPTSD on my own. I do not have kids. I have done every type of therapy imaginable, and yet here I am, still struggling, still trying to survive.
So, this is a raw look on what it is like, so I can talk for people who cannot get counselling, who are signed off work with this debilitating, terrifying brain malfunction or whatever it is.
Because for me it is getting worse not better, I am hoping I can educate the people in charge as to how hard it is to exist in a world that wants to look away from people struggling with CPTSD to hopefully help in some way.
I am not here to teach; I am here to be honest.
It has all got worse over the last 6 years. Maybe its due to my age, maybe due to the expectations put on people with CPTSD, when you can no longer just drink and party to hide it, it really does come to the surface. Then what do we do now?
I spent my 20’s ‘travelling’. I put travelling in adverted quotes because from the outside it looked like I was living the dream, living in Australia travelling around Thailand. Living in Greece, Spain, and other countries.
The truth was, that I was running and self-medicating to block out the truth behind the smile, wild, life of the party that people thought I was.
I was dissociating from the past trauma from my childhood which includes, Parent neglect and psychological abuse, sexual assault, rape, abortion, violence, drugs, stalking, bullying, humiliation, and being groomed by a gang of men from the age of 11-18, and scarily much more.
So, I feel like I have a voice across many traumas that hopefully people can relate to.
I am writing a book. Slowly… I can barely say the traumatic events aloud. So, an hour a week is enough of writing the events. As it takes me a week to recover. But I will get there.
Like a lot of people that go through Trauma, we all say there must be a reason why I survived all of that? There must be a reason I went through all of that. I must have a purpose. I feel like this is mine.
I am doing a law degree as well lol (ADHD brain) I have about 10 different projects going on. An actual handy trauma response that means my brain will do anything at all to stop the thoughts, so I channel it into completing loads of projects. But as a result. I don’t go out, and it stops me from dealing with things, so if you have this I would love to chat about if you have this? Because weirdly it can be both a superpower and hindrance.
Also, you may realise my writing jumps around a bit, (this a reflection of my brain) and what a triggered brain feels like. So, I am not going to change that. This is professional writing. I want it to be raw.
I am in my 2nd year of my law degree. My goal is to be healed enough to be able to be a barrister and stand up for people and give them justice in the areas that I have been through Coercive control and Chil protective services.
So, I will be sharing facts about the law on this as well, like did you know that Coercive control is illegal and if it meets a few elements, you can take someone to court, and they can go to prison for Coercive control. (something that people I do not think are aware of).
Also, although I have struggled and still do, I have owned a business, I built a recruitment business to almost a million pound per year built a team got investment all whilst dealing with this. I work in Data Analytics. I will not give up, and as a result, I want to write this blog, to share my raw day to day.
Days and weeks where I have not left the house. Blocking all friends and family out of my life on the pursuit of peace, but realising that the pain is inside me, inside my nervous system, my bones and my soul need to get out.
I will be sharing the pure pain mental and physical that CPTSD comes with. To show people what it is like. To hopefully help Doctors, counsellors understand what it is like to live with this monster, that lives within us.
I have done EMDR, CBT, Somatic therapy, talking therapy, I have been on all kinds of drugs, antidepressants, pregabalin, antipsychotics, without any change… in fact it has made it worse.
I will be sharing chapters from the book on here along with helpful tips on how I get through each day, how I am trying to deal with constant triggers, with the hope to learn myself as to how I can heal from this, but to also share my journey and build a community where we can share our darkest parts of everyday that pushes us close to suicide.
Also yes, I will be talking about SUICIDE! I am not scared to say that word and I am going to talk about my experience of this ‘symptom’ which is what it is. It is not the answer to anything; it is a result of what we go through. It’s the way of our brain being able to cope in the moment.
I am looking forward to having you along with me on this journey. Please sign up for my mailing list, and You will get updates on new posts.
Keep breathing, in and out, that’s all it takes, and every feeling passes. Don’t let them win.