This is a thought that comes through me head at my darkest times. Most recently nearly every day. Am I going to survive this. 

But weirdly one of the closest times I came to acting on this was when I did EMDR.  

If you have done EMDR, I am sure you have been met with the terrifying question. “Can you write me a timeline of your trauma?” Yes okay, I will open the box in my head that I try not to open every day. I will tell you small points of every traumatic event that constantly pops up in my head. Then, I will be traumatized for the next few days. No problem. 

I have tried EMDR twice before, once via zoom video calls (if you can believe it) during Covid. It was the height of my business doing well. As it was focused on Tech, and for some reason during covid everyone was able to work from home, and the government was chucking money around.  

So, people actually wanted my help to grow their tech teams. So, for once I actually had the £150 an hour for the EMDR. At the time, I was doing Cocaine most weekends, I was traumatised from my relationship with lets called him S-man finishing. Basically, living in a state of flight of fight.  

Living on my own during covid, after he had forced my brain to bring up the whole trauma backlog that I had been disassociating from for 15 years. I was a mess. 

So, I thought right… time to get this sorted. After doing a ridiculous amount of research which I always did when in one of my states of please help me. As I looked at the banister longinly thinking that would make a good place to hang myself and this would all be over. 

I got on the call with this lady, who told me to visualize 3 people from my past who could look over me whilst I revisit times of my past.  

She wanted a bouncer type person, someone who can protect you, which I liked the sound of. Also, a motherly type of person. Someone who could soothe me after we revisit. And lastly someone who would hold me accountable, so keep me being positive. She asked who from my past these 3 people could be? A family member, teacher, an older person that looked after me… I looked at her, and said, I had now-one, I have now-one. She looked at me surprised; she seemed nervous. Or she didn’t, in those types of situations, I am always on high alert, so constantly looking for signs that this person will hurt me. (Hypervigilance) Which did not fill me confidence, I always felt strange when talking to therapists. I always thought about them after the sessions, how do they feel? Are they triggered right now? I would apologise as it was just such awful conversations. Are they okay hearing this? (Councillors are absolute angels). 

She said, okay well, let us assign people who you would like them to be. I loved this, having this thought process of someone looking out for me was a new feeling that I agreed with. I could feel my mind was behind this. 

I had, had EMDR years before. Another bizarre experience. Whilst I was with S-man. I felt like I was slowly sinking into oblivion with my mental health, so I tried everything. My business had just taken off, so I had disposable income to try and fix me for S-man, because of course it was my fault I was running things with my mental health. 

So again, I did research this time going to the main place that I could find ‘The Priory’. The place where celebs go, it was the main place of mental health treatment. So, I applied on their website for an appointment and an assessment with a psychiatrist. I was desperate to get diagnosed and get treatment. I could barely leave the house at this point. I have always suffered with horrendous physical symptoms; my nervous system has held all the trauma for years. So, everything is a trigger, it activates even in conversations with people that are safe (safe). So I was on high alert. I would be diagnosed with GAD, depression, ADHD. At the doctors, with blank faces as I sit there reeling off this list of horrors to them. 

They got back to me pretty quick, probably because an appointment (1 hour) with a psychiatrist was £600. I paid it immediately and set up an appointment the next Monday. 

Going into the priory was scary. If you don’t know it kind of looks like an insane asylum. But when I got there although struggling with cripplingly anxiety I thought this could be it, this could be when I get healed. 

I sat down with a DR, he seemed rushed, he asks me to tell me why I am there. The dreaded questions again. How long have you got? Do you have a sofa or some kind of bed in case I pass out? Have a panic attack or throw up whilst I try and give you an overview of my entire back catalogue of trauma. That would give the Argos catalogue a run for its money. 

I sat there and mentioned all the main trigger words that send me through the roof. But like when I have to call up to the electricity company to tell them why I have been signed off work and can’t pay the bill this month and get put through to what seems like the mental health advisor team. 

Or when I get a new doctor and I have to tell them again over and over why I am like I am. I quickly get through it, but as I talk, I realise I am oversharing, and the guilt and shame floods me, how long have I been talking? Did I just disassociate? Where am I? I look up at him, and he says…. Wow okay, well you have CPTSD. The wow obviously helps massively. 

I looked at him and said what is that? He said its PTSD but over a series of traumatic events or over a prolonged period of time. It is more of state of mind not an individual event, it’s what people who are at war have. I looked at him as he casually just reeled this off to 29-year-old me. 

He said I’m going to set you up with someone to do EMDR, its £400 a session and can you come in for the next 2 weeks to do it? Would you like to do that? 

Like he is doing me any kind of favour, I am paying extortionate amounts for this. 

The next Wednesday I drive up to the big white building, and I sit in the dark and gloomy waiting room. Surrounded by lost souls. I get called up the stairs into what seemed like the biggest room had ever been to, with this strange seat in the middle. The kind that people use when they go for Thai massage and they sit on it stomach first. 

The lady tells me to sit down, she seemed nice enough, not like a nurse or even doctor, like someone’s mum. I sit there scared and uncomfortable in this big open room. (how I always feel in counselling) So I am supposed to sit here and tell you about my traumas in an acceptable manner am I? The traumas that keep me in bed for days? 

She says so this is a 3-week course, the aim is to get you used to practise then you can go off and do it yourself with Bilateral music. 

I thought 3 weeks is that going to cure me? She said before she could start, I had to read this book from start to finish it’s called ‘Getting past your past’ https://share.google/JtJvcpY5iA5A0NX9e 

I again was a bit taken back. She said its because my mind had to understand what was going to happen and to also believe in the process. 

So that was it first session down 2 to go. I went home and read the book within 2 days. Desperate to feel some relief excited that the pure panic would stop and this would be what would cure me finally. 

The next week I went again into the big open white room, the lady sat on this strange chair and asked to have I read the book, I said of course and handed it back to her. She said OKAY great. What did you think, do you understand the process and what EMDR does. 

I found the book interesting; I love nothing more than researching new ways in which might help me. So, I said yess! And proceeded to nervously talk about how much I thought it was revolutionary, and that I can see how it can help. Like I was trying to get her to like me or something. 

She said OKAY so we can start then she said she is going to play a 2-beat bilateral piece of music and I have to watch her finger go left to right, left to right across my eyeline. Whilst waiting for something to come up from my past and then we will process it. 

Then we went straight in, straight away one of my main ones came up, the most distressing. She told me say it out loud and tell her what was happening, so I did It felt good, I was able to say certain things without the crushing weight that I felt and the need to run away or pass out that normally happens. 

Then after 3-4 minutes of working on that memory, she stopped and said OKAY that’s the first one done. Like she had cured me or something. She said how do you feel? I said OKAY, a bit shaky, she asked me to think about the trauma again and she asked how does it feel? I said because like everything I wanted everyone to like me, I said although untrue, but like the book says, it feels more further away which was partly true but by God was it still there with vengeance. 

She said great. See you need week then, next week I will be teaching you the technique and giving you some music so you can do it on your own. 

When I got back to s-man’s house, he always wanted every detail from my therapy sessions, I tried to tell him, but to my surprise I felt so much worse I was trembling, I couldn’t be around S-man. In fact I started to hallucinate (which has never happened before) I thought he was the person who abused me years ago. I was terrified for days, feeling like I was back there in that exact moment. 

What she hadn’t done was tell me what to expect afterwards or how to manage the triggering feeling or give me any after care. 

Looking back, it was shocking. Disgusting even. How can you offer such invasive mental health treatment then just leave some alone to deal with it. But as I went through my therapy, I learnt that was always the case. They didn’t live with me, so there was only so much they could help me with. I was alone with my thoughts and feelings of the past. I didn’t go back for the 3rd final session. 

The lady on the zoom said, okay so what I want you to do for our next session do a timeline of all your traumas and we will work through them. 

I had essentially looked for a cure or some sort of help because my mother was guilt tripping me into seeing her. And I couldn’t stand the thought. I thought how can i cure this! Not the state I needed to be in to be doing EMDR. 

So, I spent the next week before our next session writing down everything that happened. Then I sent it to her via email. 

On the next call she seemed flustered, she said she hasn’t had the chance to get through all of the traumas yet. 

But let’s start with the earliest one. We did the whole follow my finger thing on the screen whilst I told her about one of my earliest triggers, that I had pulled out the box. 

As you can probably guess, it didn’t go well. I was triggered, terrified I did more drugs to cover the pain and flashbacks. It made things a lot worse. I didn’t go to the next one. 

Now my experience although not great of EMDR, is that I can understand the concept. But what people need to understand is that it can be dangerous if the person has no support, now one at home to help process, now one to talk to, now one to ground them. 

I think that EMDR in some cases should be done on an inpatient set up as people need help afterwards to handle the nightmares, flashbacks and emotional triggers of your brain that is trying to process what has been pulled out of the box. 

Share your experience of EMDR? I would love to hear if it has worked for you? 

Share your experience of EMDR? I would love to hear if it has worked for you?