So, one of the reasons that I pushed myself to write this blog is my most recent experience with writing my last chapter in my book. 

The response my body and mind had was so significant and powerful I felt like I had to share it.  

I have been unable to say aloud or even write or mention anything about my childhood without my body having a visceral reaction to it.  

But no matter what I did, if I tried to move on and forget about it, a few weeks down the line with me playing ‘normal human’ whether that be in a new job or just walking to the shop. I would have a sudden breakdown. Not knowing why, normally blaming the stressful job, or the fact it is my birthday, and I do not have family or friends. Or one of the other many life reasons that I could blame for this huge reaction and shut down of my body and mind.  

I realised it was body and mind saying you must face this! You must confront what happened and go through it. Look at each event and make sense of it. I could almost hear my mind and body talking to me saying this.  

I had already been journaling just a chance for my brain to relieve the intense rushing thoughts and random flashbacks. I have emotive, flashbacks they are hard to describe, instead of (which I do still get) getting the vision of what happened. I will be suddenly sat watching tv and suddenly I would feel terrified. My legs would go weak. My arms start to ache. My head starts to feel tight, and I can feel my heart slowing down, and my head would twitch to start my heart again. My vision would go narrow, and everything just seems like I need to run, run as fast as I can away from myself out of my skin. But I am stuck with myself. inside this prison of emotion.  

I have these waves of emotive triggers constantly throughout the day, it could be something on TV that triggers me. Something I say, something someone else’s says.  

My brain and nervous system is what is called pre-emptive fight or flight. Which means it is so stuck in fight in flight, that it is constantly looking for potential threats, even potential threats (not a typo) like a potential threat to a potential feeling that might cause the thought process that might trigger me. It’s a nightmare.  

So, I have decided to get it all out, as I have mentioned before I have 56 traumatic events (not including my abusive ex) from my childhood that I need to confront with the hope that I will be able to Human again.  

So, I was doing my hour of writing on a Wednesday as I normally do. I must set a timer for writing, as I get so focused on it that I forget what time it is.  

I learnt after a horrific week that you have to limit the time you are writing about traumatic events. I spent a few days writing each traumatic event, giving a summary to plan my book. Without realizing I was opening the box of thoughts that all had their own emotion and all who had their same visuals.  

After finishing writing all 56 traumas, I felt triggered obviously, but my experience of writing the trauma down, whilst doing it, it feels wonderful. It is like finally you are releasing a valve on a pressure cooker. And my younger self is finally able to talk. But the aftermath of this is something that I could not predict. (the danger of treating CPTSD on your own). NO advise on after care. 

I did some Bilateral EMDR meditating after the writing, thinking this would release some of the emotion tied up in my mind and body which felt like a whirling twister inside of me.  

I also now realise that EMDR pulls up the feelings even more. So, what I had done is doubly pulled these thoughts to the surface in the most powerful way and now they on the surface. 

I got a huge takeaway that evening like I always do. (I have been struggling with eating disorders my whole, life to manage my emotions. Ranging from Starving myself, controlled eating, bulimia, and binge eating. Now we are on binge eating, as I have tried to promise myself, I will not throw up anymore, I am realising I am doing it less since getting the trauma down on paper. However, it is certainly still a crutch.  

I got the takeaway (kebab with cheesy chips) I could feel the inner panic in me. No clear thoughts, or emotions just a strong sadness, and panic building up. Focus on the food, being delivered, eating, and then throwing up I thought. The throwing up always released something when I had pain in me or I feel overwhelmed.  

The next day I was unable to talk to my brother who I live with. I was unable to face going downstairs. I tried to get a coffee like I always do and was in state of such panic that I could not do it.  

I was feeling all the emotions at once from trauma. I have truly never felt anything so powerful in my life. My only thought was I can end this… I can take my own life, and it will all end. I thought I use to calm myself when things get too much. It brings immediate calm like a wave of calm.  

I stayed in bed for a week. I tried to explain to my brother what had happened but could not speak the words. I couldn’t sit in the lounge in the evening and watch tv, I couldn’t go shopping. I could do nothing but try my hardest to focus on boxsets, series, films programs I have watched a million times to relieve this pure panic throughout my body.  

Now I suffer physically my and vision are the first to go… my almost feels like it might explode, I twitch to hopefully make it relieve without any luck. My vision goes narrow. I cannot register anything I am seeing or doing. All I want to do is run but run away from my own head and my own thoughts. It so incredibly powerful that it has to be a thing. The one thing I do take from it, is a chance to remind myself that I’m not putting this on. I’m not making a fuss over nothing. That horrible things did happen to me. As I haven’t been able to get any clarification. Parent don’t acknowledge what happened. Partly because I can’t say it out loud to them. So, in itself it reminds that this is real, my nervous system believes me and remembers.  

This took 10 days for me to recover. 10 days to try and get back to a safe place again.  

So now the writing is now something I have to be careful of doing. It has to be done when I am feeling reasonably okay but not too okay. Because If I’m having a good day, my brain actually stops me from accessing the memories to protect me. (something I have learnt). 

I have to do grounding work before and journaling and I am now writing in a 3rd person, so what is happening is happening to someone else in my book. Which does help, so I thought.  

I set an alarm for an hour, and have to pull myself away from not hyper focusing on it. (I have major hyper focus) which is a trauma response and gift and horrible reality. I will loose literally hours (everyday) full days to projects, writing, series watching anything to distract my mind from the trauma and flashback. This was how I was able to build a company. I worked harder than anyone else could. But eventually it burnt me out. 

Any how (my writing will jump across into other things and back) I want this blog to reflect how a mind thinks with CPTSD, ADHD, and any other acronym you want to add.  

It was an intense writing, I have been avoiding writing about the actual trauma, so spending along time on different things scared to actually write what happened.  

So, in this period of writing, I wrote about 3 things, Suicidal thoughts when I was 11. My first sexual assault when I was 12. and an attack from other boys… 

3 things that I’m glad I wrote about, even as I write this, I feel the tingling in my legs.  

But I managed to explain each point how I felt and get it out of me. 

I stopped an hour and half. Initially I felt the euphoria rush over me, and the tears in my eyes, and I tell myself how it all happened. And that I believe little 11-year-old me. I feel the realisation of I deserve peace and love. The self-care, self-love talk ringing in my head.  

I could feel like I was off. But not anything huge. I got on hyper focusing on the 3 different projects I am doing now.  

I woke up the next day, and my first thought was I want to kill myself it was overwhelming and terrifying. I could also feel the shame and panic and pure embarrassment of just existing in my body. Strangely when I feel like that my mind does not think ‘oh this is my mind and body processing what I wrote about’ It thinks this is happening now. You want to kill yourself and now one cares, and terror of they will be coming to get me at any moment.  

I spent 3 days in pure panic. Relieving the feelings. I tried to journal, but nothing worked. I was unable to speak to people again. My body was in pre-fight or flight again.  

Today it has finally gone. Now I can reflect and review what I went through. And realise that, that was my body feeling the pain that I couldn’t feel back then, as I was numb and just surviving.  

Its quite miraculous how clear this is. And how the body bought up these feelings for me to feel then once they have been felt they disappear. The thoughts about those specific events, I can’t visually see them, but they are more distant, and the emotions aren’t there anymore.  

I wanted to write about this, as its miraculous. I will continue to write and tell you about my journey. But if you can write them down. Be brave and face them head on. Stay in bed. Cry, release it all into the world. You will be free.  

I will be sharing extracts from my past and my book along the way. Still writing and editing these ones mentioned though. Stay tuned. 

Here is the link I used to learn about what this feeling was of being anxious about being anxious – https://www.anxietyuk.org.uk/anxiety-type/anticipatory-anxiety/